Dec 26, 2006

Mr. Washington goes to Miami

The New York Jets did a great job stepping up and winning ugly on Monday night, just about killing the playoff dreams for a quarter of the teams in the AFC. Chad Pennington was terrible for the first three quarters, but the Jets somehow converted a few big third and absurds in the fourth to keep it together. The defense was brilliant for most of the game, constantly pressuring Joey Harrington and Cleo Lemon. While Mangini might get too much credit, his team was fired up on defense, made some big stops, recovered from two crushing blows on special teams (the fumble, and the missed hold), and did not turn the ball over on offense.

If we're doling out kudos, chalk it up to the punter Ben Graham, who kicked the snot out of the ball, and put a ball at the one yard line. The "bad hold" was not fully his fault, the snap was high, and the further a ball is from the body in the rain, the harder it is to catch. We'll divvy up the blame, fifty percent Graham, 10 Percent Dearth (the snapper), and 50 percent AROD. On another note, its kind of irritating that punters don't get coverage anymore, rarely do announcers say the distance of a punt, and the hangtime counter has mysteriously disappeared. Which reminds me, who are all of these punters in the league now, did the NFL all of a sudden turn over half of its punters?

On the other sideline, Nick Saban really shot himself in the foot. He has Ronnie Brown averaging 6.1 ypc, but decides instead to put the ball in the hands of Joey Harrington, and then a guy whose last name is Lemon. Brown had 16 for 110, which was not a skewed figure either (longest run was 17). What even worse about this, the ball was a field position game being played in the rain for the majority of it. Nick Saban was badly outcoached.

ESPN's coverage of the game was atrocious. The computer introduction to the game was a combination between Blade Runner, and an ill concieved. During the second quarter, they decided it was better to speculate for a good ten minutes about Nick Saban's future, than actually cover the game. They even made this the main point of conversation with NFL legend Don Shula, showing no respect for the Hall of Fame coach. Their halftime highlights were a flashback to that wonderful glow puck era of hockey. And what the hell is with these fast forwarded, roadrunner leg highlights? Did they not get the memo from NFL films that football looks better slower. Guess it gave them more time to talk about that other game in Miami. Shame on ESPNBA.

Also, did you catch Jimmy Kimmel's shout out to JB, Terry, Howie, and Chris. There was a quick, ho-hum stun in the studio like someone had just smacked their kid in the cereal aisle. It's also a shame the ESPN guys called the first half boring. A lot of big hits, and great defense . They're also the same guys who called Chad Pennington's 14-29 performance "accurate."

Something else interesting was that pass intereference play on Coles. It looked like the Miami corner pulled his towel out of his pocket, and put in the face of Coles. What's the deal with being able to do that? In general, Gerry Austin called a great game. There were no questionable calls aside from the first down spotting in the first quarter. The fifteen yarder on the Dolphins center might have seemed a bit gratiutous, but it made a strong, early, no bullshit statement. He let the guys play and let the game decide itself.

To be a little nitpicky~ What was Mangini trying to ice Olindo Mare at with about 2 minutes to go? Just threw away a timeout before the team would have to start the two minute drill. Is there really a point trying to ice a proven NFL Kicker. Yes, he had the lowest FG% in the leage this year, but a huge part of that was skewed, due to a 1-6 on 50+ yard attempts. But if thats the only thing you can hate on Mangini for, helluva job. No turnovers on offense, no bad penalites, and an incredibly tough and gritty performance.

Props to Leon Washington and the Jets Defense, for winning this game.

Poor Brad Kassell.

Wonder if Laverneues Coles remembers having played this game?

Dec 24, 2006

1st 1/2, 2nd Bowser, 3rd Peach, 4th Toad

Because you know, its totally necessary to have summaries during the day of first halves of the One O'Clock Games.

New Orleans Drive 18 Plays, 89 Yards, TD, 8:39 Time of Possession
-So I was like, “Reggie Bush, Reggie Bush, Reggie Bush, Reggie Bush,” and she was like. “Reggie Bush, Reggie Bush, Reggie Bush.”

Vince Young 10-13 for 138. 3 Rush 44 yds 1 TD.
-But then she was like, Vince Young, Vince Young Vince Young,” and I was like, “Mario Williams.”

Jeremy Shockey: 1 Catch, -7 Yards, One Huge Drop
-You know this makes you smile.

Derek Anderson 4-15, 2 INT
-The Bobcat’s Guard will put up more points per game than this guy

Ron Dayne: 17 Carries, 88 yards, 2TD
-The Colts Defense is about as tough as Toad in Mario Kart 64.

Marvin Harrison: 8th Straight Years with 10TD
-Broke Rice’s record for consecutive years with 10TD. He’s that good. Still tough to get over him breaking his picture perfect image against the Pats this weekend.

Dec 22, 2006

Sit Down Tragedy

I'm doing A Standup Show for a local showcase at the ComdedyVillage on West 3rd January 4th. You should go if you're in the NY metro area. This is the freestylin I will not be doin on the mic:

I'll be rompin the mic like a flaming Rhino,
Like a bull messin with yo' finest China
Be a little giant like Icebox O'Shea
Drop the bombs like Enola t3h Gay
Spring like Poland
Fight like Nolan
Step with a Gallup like I was pollin
Tingle yo senses like the finest port
Cross'n up words like Master Will Shortz
Link yo' boobies on DC's fark
Spit phrases like the dino in Jurassic Park.
Feed like the snackbar
Skirt like flapp-ar
Trap yo' ass like Admiral Ackbar
Like a stingray- built to stun
Gunning in the raw like Lesle Neilsen
Like Derek, I'm getting Lowe
The mysterious man like Edward M. Beaux
I'm ballin like Mep
Tasty like a Crepe
All up in your body like a case of Strep

Will be more fun than the Korean war, Guaranteed! A standup showcase at the Comedyvillage (which I just happen to be in). Cover= unknown integer btw 0 & 10. Beats staying at home and fantasizing about kicking that Ukranian Girl in Purple's ass on Global Guts. You should really come. Unless you're a square. You're not a square are you?

You might even get to see my nipples.

Dec 14, 2006

New York Bye-Ass

Leading off:

Alex Rodriguez is no longer even in the debate for best player in baseball. Ortiz, Santana Hafner, Pujols, and Howard are all head and shoulders above him. That post-MVP bitterness by Pujols, is his crankiness that he's not number one anymore. But I'm pretty sure that world championship trophy fits nicely up his ____le*.

Dice K may or may not have his Gyroball, but Bugs can strike out the side on one pitch.

Yanks are only a Clay Bellinger to Clay Bellinger, bugs-bunny to bugs-bunny, style battery away from being '07 champs.

Enrico Palazzo Watch

The first ever Enrico Palazzo Watch for National Anthem Oddities this Episode Features:

5) A Rat from years past in Des Moines

4) David Stern and an Unshiftable Policy (Literally)

3) Ian Laperriere, who is "Superstitious"
-see a bit further down the page

2) Charlie Daniels doin' the Outback Bowl

1) Billy Ray Cyrus Headlining Mullet Night, Georges Laraque Getting Points- With Wayne Gretzky

Election Coverage

Giuliani can get elected president on the it's all A-Rod's fault ticket.

McCain will be taking the more conventional, Peyton Manning is a loser route into the election.

Hillary Clinton on the other hand has decided to use the Carl Pavano as a counter campaign against Giuliani in New York

*The previous word is in fact asshole, and not mantle.

The Yankees - Red Sox current Mike Gonzalez & previously Dice K duel~

The obligatory necessary Red Sox/Yankees hype backlash: to Hyping the Yankees Red-Sox scandal even more is/ Let the games speak for themselves. Fans are smart enough to know when games are big games. It creates an over saturation of meaningless story lines. Listening to McCarver and buck is somewhere on par with taking a circular saw, sticking it up your ass, and then turning it on, while having your eyelids put on your forehead via sautering iron

Also, are the Yankees or Sox actually going to give up anyone. Those sub 3 era's are pretty sexy, you don't say? If it were possible, I'd sleep with the female embodiment of the concept of a sub 2 era before even considering the best actress oscar winner, or pink power ranger esque childhood crush. Or like, Carrie Fisher, or Julia Louise Dreyfus. Yeah, they're in the same league as Guidry's hot season or Fernando Mania. Ya know, cause it's not just a pretty season/face, it's memories and character too.

Check out today. Brilliant.

Everyone is always comparing things to the Yankees when they were in their dynasty. Was it accurate say Stanton and Nelson were that good in front of Rivera? I remember them blowing just about as many games as a typical Yankees bullpen. Take a look at the numbers:

Here are the respective ERA and ERA+'S

'96 116
'97 155
'98 118
'99 105
'00 207

I'll use this line break to show how ridiculous that 207, and how mediocre 96 98 and 99 all were for your primary set up guy, and how 97 was just around expectations. It's okay though. I'll just make the butt of this line break Isiah Thomas, cause that one never gets old.


'97 2.56 172
'98 5.47 82
'99 4.33 103
'00 4.10 124
'01 2.56 174
'02 3.00 146

This line break will be used to call Allen Iverson a pussy.

Those two are pretty good. Interestingly, they were at their worst for the Legendary '98 Yankees. The Key to the '98 Yankees, was Ramiro Mendoza, with his 138 ERA+, spread over 130 2/3 Innings, the whole season, over 41 appearances. It was about sixty innings more than Aaron Small's magical year, with an ERA+ two points higher. Talk about an all purpose quality innings eater. A guy like Mendoza was unquestionably the greatest thing ever.

Here are Tom Gordon's
'04 2.21 204
'05 2.57 173

This also puts in perspective what an awful move signing the Farnz was. Last year dude had an ERA+ of 100. Karsay was an okay signing, with his ERA+ of 134, but suffered an unxpected career ending injury.

So the verdict on Gonzalez. Hasn't pitched a meaningful game in his life, and I'm actually hoping Scott Proctor's abiltiy to pitch over 100 innings is not a farce. If guys could go as far as they could go back when people's first names were like Meriwether, Ty, Red, and so forth, why is 60 innings the norm for a reliever now. Clearly pitchers are pussies nowadays. The more innings you get from good pitchers the better.

Short Takes

Isn't that as much as we all despise Terrell Owens, we still give him all that attention that he wants. He's not an idiot, he has a good sense of himself. For example his apology via celebration to Parcells. Oh wait! There I go talking about him, and there you go thinking about him.

Terrel Owens, 1 Us, 0

I'm setting the over under at when Matsuzaka fully goes with that Asian-boy Orange hair at approximately six weeks.

What if Reggie Jackson was actually an intelligble robot from Blade Runner, and only he and Leslie Nielsen were in on the joke of him outing himself.

Interesting Find of the Day on the Net:

So I followed a pay-per click Google ad to this stupid site, and then saw that their hot item was this:

People are in business doing this. I'm pretty sure thats awesome. No matter what. Someone should buy that. I hope they stay in business. Their auctions are atrocious kitsch. Like shitty virgin mary grilled cheeses knockoff-eque products. A manatee chicken finger, exactly what we need more of jackass. But damn. Adam Hurshowitz's real air!!~

Dec 4, 2006

Fantasy Football One-Hit Wonders

With the emergence of Marion Barber III, probably the grittiest guy ever to have "the third," attached to his name, and Mike Furrey as the token white reciever, thoughts come to mind of other suprise fantasy one hit wonders. Here is a list of the ten most memorable fantasy one hit wonders, who won leagues for the guys who picked them up, and utterly destroyed the suckers who picked him up. Excluded from this list are players like David Boston, James Stuart, any of the Denver Running backs. You need to have really been a one hit wonder.

10) Marc Boerigter, WR, 2000 KC:

The guy was writing another Wayne Chrebet story, as the token undrafted white guy reciever. He had a rookie campaign for 420 yds, but the impressive thing was his 8 TDs which put him in the top ten of the league, and a 99 yd touchdown catch, which is a complete fantasy day, in a single play. Had everybody saying, who the hell is Marc Boerigter? The guy is out of the league now, but his heart has gone on, back to the CFL.

9) Drew Bennett, WR, 2004 TEN

VOLEK TO BENNETT, VOLEK TO BENNET!!! Story of the 2004 Tennessee Titans. More in the token undrafted white guy department, Bennett had 80 receptions for 1247 yards and 11 TDs. Not ranked higher only because he had 500 yards the year before, and his qualification for this list is questionable. Some of his catches were incredible

8) Chester Taylor, RB, 2006 MIN

Currently he has 999 yards, and 5 TDs to go along wiht about 250 yards recieveing. This guy was the epitome of a mediocre runningback in Baltimore, and now gets the chance to prove exactly that, he's a godsend as a second RB, for those who got reciever happy on draft day. Remains to be seen if he's a one hit wonder, but he isn't exactly the solution in Minnesota.

7) Quincy Morgan, WR, 2002 CLE:

Probably the only Cleveland player other than Kevin Johnson to have had fantasy value at one point. Put up 964 yards on 7 TDs, on a Browns team that snuck into the playoffs. Nothing else has happend for the Q man though, and has since been ripped a new one by Parcells, and lost a depth chart battle to Patrick Crayton.

6) Christian Fauria, TE, 2002, NE:

Fauria had only 250 yards, but an astounding 7 TDs, which is absolute gold at a position that was incredibly thin at the time. In every other season, his career high in TDs is 2.

5) Moe Williams & LeRoy Hoard, RB, 1999 & 2002, MIN:

Williams did a good job keeping Michael Bennet's value near zero. Of his his 84 rushes, 11 went for TDs. This guy wrote the book on goal line sniping.

As for Hoard Apparently Dennis Green did not think that Robert Smith, a thousand yard rusher had what it took to find the stripe. Hoard broke through Hordes of tacklers and had 10 TDs, and 500 yards. With these two, and the musical running backs fo the era Green became the second most frustrating fantasy running back coach after Mike Shanahan.

4) Bert Emanuel, WR, 1997 ATL:

The guy's name ws Bert, for crissake. If only he got the chance to play with Ernie Conwell. Better remembered for the "Bert Emanuel Rule," where the Bucs got snubbed from the super bowl. Anyways he went 65 for 991 and 9 TDs, catching from truly great quarterbacks by the name of Billy Joe Tolliver, Tony Graziani, and Chris Chandler.

3) Lamar Smith, RB, 2000, MIA

My friend had never seen the name Lamar before, so he called him "Lamer." The guy was pretty lame, for the entirety of his career. In fact, as a back he was pretty lame, rushing for only 1139 yards, on a 3.7 ypc average despite being the team's started for the whole season. The saving grace. A sweeet sweet 14 TDs, good for third in the league.

2) Patrick Jeffers & Steve Beuerlein, WR, CAR, 1999:

Patrick Jeffers is more of a guy who kicked your ass after you told him Killian's Red was a legitimate beer. The only thing Steve Beuerlein was costing $750 in wheel of fortune vowels. Doesn't really matter. Jeffers went 63 receptions for 1082 yards, 12 TD, good for second in the leage, and during the last five weeks of the serason caught 8 TD passes, with over 100 in each game. As for Beuerlein, try 4436 yards and 36 TDs plus two more TDs rushing, more than twice as many as he'd put up in any season of his 11 yr's to date. The only reason Beuerlein isn't number one is the fifteen picks he threw. These two waiver picks singlehandedly won me my league.

1) Randall Cunningham, QB, MIN, 1998

Who would have thought this guy wasn't washed up yet. Cunningham came back from the depths of mediocrity and threw for 3704 yds and 34 TDs, leading the vikes with the tandem of Moss and Carter to a 15-1 regular season record, and losing on a missed field goal by a previously perfect kicker.

Aug 11, 2005

Albums that Remind me of Middle School

So feeling nostalgic here. I don't really remember what I listened to in Middle School, but here are some albums that remind me of Middle School.

Phish- A Picture of Nectar
In middle school, image is everything. Try image number one with being a hippie or whatever. Still this album is Phish's best, where they do a good job genre hopping and have two of their signature pieces, the somewhat hard rocking Chalkdust Torture with its call and response riff, and the quirky Tweezer.


Overall Grade (87/100) B+

Smashing Pumpkins- Melon, Collie, and the Infinite Sadness

Billy Corgan tried to create "the wall" for Generation X, whatever the fuck that is. He failed, but managed to put together a few good songs. Very high on the unintentional comedy scale, "God is empty, just like me." Still, 'Tonight,' and '1979' are redeeming tracks. Would have been better as a single album with a buncha good songs. Still its impact is felt. Try Broken Social Scene's "Stars and Sons" directly after "1979," wierd connection.

(Download Stars and Sons Here-
Download Tonight Here-

Overall Grade (74/100) C

The Clash- London Calling

I'm not going to bother reviewing this album, everybody knows about London Calling. Just if you wanted the punk image, but couldn't sit through listening to the Muscial abortion that was NOFX, you'd listen to it and be the coolest guy at the lunchtable. I will say this, it's a classic, but not perfect, and not one of the greatest albums of all time, still very good though.

Weezer- Blue Album

They introduced pretty much everybody to rock music, including myself, and although aren't exactly indie, kind of pushed me awat from more mainstream music. By far and away the best album Weezer has ever put out, and an Alt. Rock Gem. From the Kickass Opener of My Name is Jonas, to the hit of Say it Aint So, to the lonely bass on only in Dreams, the album fails to disappoint. Each song on the album.

Overall Grade (95/100)- A, but tough to judge after hearing it so much

Green Day- Dookie

"Do you have the time, to listen to me whine." If you couldn't recognize that was green day, then you suck. Although the album was released far before I got to middle shcool, thats when peoiple discovered it. It actually isn't a bad album, gotta give it up to Green Day.

Overall Grade (86/100)-B

Blink 182- Enema of the State

It was funny, people in 7th or 8th grade were trying to main some "indie cred," saying how much better "Dude Ranch," was, and how Blink 182 sold out. Oh yeah, and listening to the album was kind of like forcibly ramming a toothbrush down the back of your throat in order to puke so that you had more room in your stomach for the glass you were eating. Didnt they have some music video where they were naked?

Overall Grade (33/100) F

Orgy- Candyass

Aside from Nine Inch Nails, which most kids parents wouldn't let tehm touch, this was the only exposure to INdustrial that we got. I just listened to it, and it is a pretty solid album, with a really good cover of New Order's "Blue Monday," and a catchy single "Stitches."

Overall Grade (83) B

Metallica- Ride the Lightning

Nobody acutally listened to this album, they just bought the T-Shirt.

Overall Grade (Incomplete)

Beastie Boys- Hello Nasty

Strange that this was the first exposure to the beatie boys most of us had. Still, the aging Brooklyn Trio of White Jewish Rappers but togehter a great album with some groovy beats sampled along with it, and good instrumental tracks (See sneaking out of the hospital). While the lead single, "Intergalactic," was definitely lacking, the otehr songs completley kick ass. They perhaps drop the best rhyme of their career with, "King of Boggle/There ain't no higher/Got 11 boints of the word Quagmire.

Look at the stunning comentary by the beasties on the album:
"I'm the King of Boggle there is none higher/I get eleven points off the word quagmire" - "Yeah, I got 11 points for 'quagmire.' You get a lot of points for Q. Q comes as Qu" - Adam Horovitz, July 1998

"The main difference between [Ill Communication] and this [album] is we played dominoes the whole time we worked on [it]. Boggle figures very heavily in the making of [Hello Nasty]." - Adam Yauch, 1998

Overall Grade (93-/100)

Backstreet Boys- S/T

If you pretended to like this, chances are you would avoid being a wallflower at the 6th grade social. The problem was, all the guys were trying not to like it. Everybody, what a fucking song. Ohh yeah, ive never listened to this album. I'll just say that it has its momens, but falls short in key areas and relies on pop cliches and studio magic?

Overall Grade (66/100) D- (Just Passes)

I would have reviewed Korn, but my keyboard doesn't have a backwards R so i wouldnt do them justice.

And fuck you Carson Daly. And a double fuck you to that 'VJ' Jesse Camp.